Fall - A Time Of Mixed Emotions
I was able to head down to our lake last night to do a little fishing. And as I looked out from our dock I was reminded again that Fall is in full-color here, and that the seasons are changing once again.
Fall has traditionally been a favorite time for Judy and me. But it is also a time when we remember our darkest days - of spending days and nights at the bedside of Mickey as she lay in a coma for 38 days. I cannot remember a thing about the colors of Fall in 1988. But I can still remember the sterile ICU unit that Mickey stayed in. I remember the sound of the machines and monitors. The hushed voices as nurses came in and out to perform their duties. The family waiting room that became the home of our other two children as we waited for a miracle. The images of tears running down Judy’s cheeks as we said goodbye to Mickey in the early hours of Oct. 13. The near silent ride home from the hospital with Judy and Jeremy and Jamie. It was a very dark time.
You know, as we talk with families who come to Smile Again Ministries we hear about memory stories over and over again. They are always the same. The world simply stops moving and everything we experience seems to be in slow motion. Every decision is dissected and second-guessed. Odd things like, what we were eating at the time of the tragic event. Or, what was on TV or our phones. How it was SO hard to just do grocery shopping and make meals. The difficulty in setting a table for meals knowing that we didn’t need 5 place settings anymore.
As I thought of Mickey again last night on the dock I knew this Fall was different. I could look out and see the beauty again of Fall. I could rejoice at the colors singing out from the trees, as the sunset reflected on the water. Acorns were falling with loud kerplunks on our dock. A deer was snorting across the lake from me for disturbing her nightly watering. Sunfish swam around the dock looking for food. And I even managed to catch a few northerns and large mouth bass. I found myself smiling. I found myself living.
This journey we call grief is such a fickle thing. One minute our minds can be consumed with horrible images and memories. And the next the Fall colors of trees remind us that life is continuing. There are seasons to grief. For many it seems like the Winter will never end. Judy and I want to encourage you who are reading this and thinking that way, that Spring, and Summer, and Fall do come again - in all their beauty and joy. But Winter storms still occasionally come calling seeking to freeze the joy from our hearts. Please remember in those dark days, those snow covered, bleak days, that Spring will come again. God is always by your side, seeking to help you see the beauty in those dark moments. Those dark days. Call out to Him, and He will help open your eyes again, as he did for me on the dock last night, to the beauty that still surrounds me as I walk this journey we call grief.
God bless, and remember Judy and I love you. Pat
